#11: The Apprentice: The Polishable Turd
There is a famous saying I’m sure you’ve heard: ‘you can’t polish a turd’. Somehow, for some reason, a reason which is baffling to me, ‘The Apprentice’ has managed to unpolish something into a turd. Not just a normal turd, but the biggest turd on television (bar Morgan, Hopkins and that Andrew Neil bloke).
I loved the Apprentice, and I mean I really loved it. The idea is unquestionably good, and there is a reason why, for the last 18 years, the British public has adored this show. The characters, the arcs, the villains, the stream of completely contemptible products and adverts, have all contributed to a rich history of perfectly posied cringeworthy television balanced with an ending that gives genuinely investible people a real opportunity to expand their business.
In recent years, this perfect poise has been unbalanced, and the show has become a shadow of its former self. It’s like ordering the same meal at your favourite restaurant over and over again, you know what you’re getting and you know you like it. Until, one day, the chef suddenly decides that the mash in your pie and mash should actually be completely lacking in business acumen, and the pie in your pie and mash should have a botoxed pastry lining.
Truthfully, the physical appearance of a candidate should never be a barrier to their success on the show. Yet, you can’t help but notice that in the last few series there seems to be a scripting leaning towards finalists seemingly fulfilling a similar casting description that can only be described as akin to that of Love Island. Again, I will reiterate that physical appearance is not important, but what is interesting is that the appearances of the final five candidates look to be oddly similar.
Now, I fully understand the logic here, unfortunately, it’s just stupid logic. Love Island is successful, we all know that. Yes, it is past its prime, but it still pulls in viewers. The producers of The Apprentice have elected to cast people with no discernable business skills who would not look out of place on the island. This is actually quite mean. We saw in the last episode, the interviews, how underprepared and lacking all of the candidates were. The scorn and ridicule poured onto them wasn’t actually very funny, it was quite harrowing. The worst of all was Karen Brady, if someone interviewed me in that way I’d, well, I’d, I’m not sure what I’d do but I’d do something.
It was funny when viable business candidates were being torn apart, there seemed to be a reason behind that. Now the only reason is ridicule, and it has smackings of the old X Factor auditions. Glorious television, but actually quite mean.
The truth is that, since Covid, the show has struggled to replicate its former glories. There are initially two very clear reasons as to why this is. The first is the casting process. If you watch the first 8–9 series back, you will see people actually doing good stuff. On occasion products were made, adverts broadcast and pitches… pitched that didn’t make you wish you no longer had eyes. There were some really good products and orders in previous series, but now every task is about how is less bad, and often there are no orders. Sir Al doesn't care, he’s making cringeworthy tele in an age of cringeworthy content.
The second is that the show has been completely unable to reinvent itself. Only one non-cosmetic change has been made, that being the prize changing from a job to a business partnership. At the time, way back in series 7, it was a smart move. It gave the show a fresh edge, a different dynamic. Yet, there have been no cosmetic changes bar the sea of similar faces and personalities now adorning our screens season after season. There is always a token ‘weird guy’ who goes out early, and always an exuberant woman-child who is labelled as disruptive, and then there is the question of female candidates forming some kind of protective metal bra around themselves to ensure an all-female final.
What The Apprentice needs is a shake-up. People are still tuning into this turd in their droves, but the social media response is overwhelmingly negative. What the show does have going for it is that people really buy into the idea of deserving, hard-working, talented people from ordinary backgrounds building their business dreams.
In my opinion, three things need to be changed.
- Get rid of the deadwood
This is a phrase Sir Alan overuses in the competition's early stages. Now, it’s time to get rid of him. The last few series have seen huge errors in judgement, firing people for ridiculous reasons and apparently ‘business-driven-non-personal’ ‘hunches’. The Apprentice has always been a dictatorship, which works as a concept, it’s his money (allegedly) so he should decide. But he’s just making bad decisions at this point. He’s also lost the belligerence that made him so formidable in the early series. He’s become too nice and it’s just not good TV. Get rid of Sir Alan or extend the decision-making power into the hands of his advisors, as long as its not Karen Brady, what an absolute whopper she is.
2. Reshape the format, raise the stakes
The producers of The Apprentice have been coming up with task ideas for nearly twenty years, and there’s no doubting these are smart people who know how to make talked-about-television. There must then be room in their vast collective minds to come up with a way of reinventing the show’s format. Taking an example from fellow reality hit, The X Factor’s producers managed to keep the beloved linear of the format the same throughout: auditions — boot camp — judges' houses — live shows. Within this linear they found room for innovation, which raised the stakes. The Six Chair Challenge and the Wildcard were examples of this that kept a limping horse walking for a little bit longer. The Apprentice and the X Factor share more than that, they’re both successful because they’re cringey. No one really cares about the winner, we care about the journey. Give me Ant and Seb over Joe McEldelberry any day of the week.
Whatever these changes are, they need to make things more intense, we, as an audience, need to see pressure and shock.
3. Re-cast
I’ve explained already, but they’ve got to get rid of these ‘Instagram entrepreneurs’, and make stars out of the ordinary. If I have to hear one more idea for a bakery or a pick and mix I will literally shit myself in my armchair. As opposed to non-literally shitting myself.
Point is, as sad as it might be, The Apprentice can be good again, it should be good again, and this turd is actually polishable. I fear, however, that they’ll just continue on the same tact because, well, at the heart of the show is making money and that’s clearly what this format does.
Another great show tarnished by knobheads and twats. Maybe it’s just time to fire the whole thing.
